Girls Night In

the blog for single, over-40 women

The Things You Do for Love

on May 2, 2015

There is a phenomenon occurring on campus among female undergrads around sex and drinking. Some women drink alcohol to gain courage to talk to guys they like at parties. They drink a little more to respond to the guys so the guys will like them. They drink a little more so they can do things sexually with a guy that they may not really want to do, in order to get the relationship with the guy, which they really do want. But relationships don’t often result. So the cycle repeats with a different guy the next time.

Very sorrowful.

I feel these women’s pain. I seem to do things, maybe not binge drinking and hooking up, but other senseless things in my quest to get the love I want. Mostly I try to be in control.

I want to make him call me, so I do or say something provocative. Instead of just letting him call whenever, trusting that he will call if he likes me.

I want him to open up to me, so I prompt some kind of heavy conversation. Instead of just being with him, and trusting that he’ll talk to me when he wants to share if he wants my care and concern.

I want intimacy between us to occur like this, and not like that. So I fix firm boundaries and hold him to them. Instead of just enjoying what happens, as it happens and trusting we’ll work out how to honor each other’s needs as we honestly express our needs to one another.

I do things that do not ever result in a relationship. And then the cycle repeats.

Ladies, I am ready to graduate from this place. I am ready to trust someone to love me, without my helping them along. Without controlling them or the relationship.

What unhelpful patterns have you recognized in your quest to be loved?

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