Girls Night In

the blog for single, over-40 women

Tearing Down Walls

on March 13, 2015

I’ll admit I’m a bit of a Facebook junkie. I love the connections I’ve made, the friendships that have been strengthened, and the gradual advantage it has been to my career. Unfortunately, I’ve also seen the dark side of Facebook … and it isn’t pretty.

It started innocently enough. A friend posted something silly on her wall. One of her male friends—someone I don’t know—remarked, “You are so funny! How are you still single?!” That made me laugh and I couldn’t resist replying, “If men wanted funny, I’d know a lot fewer single women.”

Facebook - Bitter - by marin

Image courtesy of marin with

This stranger, who, it would seem, doesn’t share my sense of humor, responded, “I take it you’re single, Ms. Kopf. By the way, your bitter is showing.”

Ouch. Clearly a response to Mr. Insensitive was warranted but where would I start? When I made the comment, I wasn’t motivated by any bitter feelings; I just wanted to be funny. Sure, I believed there was some truth to what I wrote, but I don’t think I was being mean about it. Men aren’t necessarily beating down the doors to date witty women. A sense of humor can be a must-have for a lot of girls when it comes to liking a man, but, in my experience, it’s not high on the list for most guys. That’s okay with me. It’s just the way we’re wired.

But instead of seeing my words as a humorous commentary on the differences between men and women, he disagreed with me. This, too, was fine. My problem with the whole dialog was his decision to attack me personally about it in one of the cruelest ways possible. I imagine he knew that to deride a woman’s singleness while accusing her of being bitter had to hurt. Needless to say, we did not become friends—on Facebook or otherwise.

So, we’ve established the fact that this man’s comment was hurtful, rude, and unnecessary. But was it true? Dear God, had I really become that girl? That … spinster? In some ways, and on certain days, I realize I have. When I snap at someone about being single, especially men, there’s bitterness oozing out. I’m kidding myself if I think they don’t sense it, even feel it.

Talk about a wall.

Our hearts have been broken in an incredibly painful way. Lifelong desires have been thwarted, often, it feels, without reason or cause. Not knowing how to respond to the pain, we lash out. It’s a bitterness born of grief, something you don’t just decide, one day, you’re fine with. These things take time.

In my case, it took about a decade, but, by God’s grace, I’ve chiseled away at that wall and found hope on the other side. And, I believe, I’ve left the bitter behind. It might not change the way Mr. Insensitive sees single women, but it changed me.

Do you struggle with bitterness about your single life? What can you do today to break down that wall of anger and embrace the peace and hope we have in Christ?


3 responses to “Tearing Down Walls

  1. I’ve seen this before on Facebook. People are quick to judge where another person is coming from even if they don’t know that person. I have to admit, I’ve done it at times myself.

    Having known you for a while, I don’t see bitterness in the things you say. I see a woman who has struggled with not having a dream come true while trying to remain open to the world.

    This was a thoughtful and beautiful post. Thanks for sharing.

  2. only24dates says:

    I was a bit bitter at times, sure. I saw it more as being a “realist” about the negative perspective I had, however lol.

    There was one thing that really helped me break down that wall of anger and to embrace the peace I have in Christ. I didn’t even do this intentionally …. I one day woke up and realized that I was pretty amazing and too amazing to waste away with bitterness about things that I haven’t yet received.

    I realized that I was fortunate to have enough time on my hands to work on things that were more valuable than what I DIDN’T have. That got me excited – to picture myself on this big “self-exploration” with God. I saw myself lighten up…I became more pleasant and happy. I started to see God put people in my life to fill in the empty places and I was even happier because I trusted the source of where these people came from. That’s a mouthful but yeah… lol

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