Girls Night In

the blog for single, over-40 women

Angry Enough

on February 27, 2015

I’ve discovered being single so long turns us into loners, if we weren’t already wired that way. Though I’m an extrovert by nature, over the years I’ve come to love being alone. At times, I even look forward to it, especially after a busy day.

But that’s not necessarily a good thing. Not when I stumble home and collapse into solitary nothingness. My backside has a far too personal relationship with my couch, and the TV has become my way of escaping the quiet of a two-bedroom house that only sleeps one. Though I try to fill my days as much as I can, I tell myself I need my downtime. And for singles, downtime equals alone time. So I scroll through Facebook while watching romantic movies, and try not to think about how angry I am at God.

That’s how I handle it, but there are variations … we’re all different. Some women completely swamp their lives with activity. The more we do, the less time we have to think about the way things are. But whether we’re doing everything or nothing at all, we’re only throwing a quilt over the anger. It’s a way to distract our minds and try to forget how many times we’ve prayed that prayer, wept our grief, and begged for answers we never seem to get. Just push the anger aside until tomorrow. Then, when we do think about it, it’s easier to resign ourselves to our lot in life and slip into a woe-is-me pity party with the underlying anger always hovering right beneath the surface.

“What’s the point?” we say. “It’s obvious God doesn’t care.”

That, my friends, is our quiet, frustrated dig at God. And even if you have the presence of mind to remind yourself of all the evidence you have that proves how much He loves you, it’s not enough. Because if He does care but, for whatever reason, remains quiet, that silence still slices and dices its way through our hearts. How could continued silence feel like anything but apathy? And it’s this overwhelming sense of indifference from the One we’ve come to believe loves us the most that twists the dagger into our gut.

Still, we try to remain faithful. It hurts. God, You know it does. I have to believe You love me. And yet, this deafening quiet.

If you’ve seen the movie Amadeus, you probably remember the scene where Salieri turns against God. All he claims he ever wanted was to serve God through music. When he sees Mozart—an uncouth, vile, blasphemous child with an innate gift for musical genius that Salieri could only dream about—he reacts with an intense anger bordering on hatred.

Salieri“So be it!” he cries out. “From now on we are enemies, You and I.”

Many of us have felt that way—even if only for a moment. And I don’t like it. I don’t like anything that makes me feel separated from God. Yet the potential to react like Salieri is there, rapping at my skull with wicked-sharp fists.

Are you sure God loves you?

Yes, in my heart and soul, I know He does. But I am only human and the doubts come and the thought that He could love me and still not care about my lonely, grief-soaked heart drags me down to an angry place and anchors me there far more often than I would like.

How could it be that God loves me … yet no man on earth could? This question would burst out of me in tearful screams, when I was driving in my car or lying in bed in the middle of the night, or even in a room full of friends, where I had to bite my lip and pretend I got something in my eye. I never felt the anger with the finality of Salieri, but always with equal passion.

Fortunately, God can take it. And though He didn’t always comfort me in those times like I wished He would—and He rarely responded—I still felt safe enough, loved enough, to be angry. Angry enough to spit, yell, stomp my feet, and shake my fists. Angry enough to feel abandoned by God.

Hopeful enough to never give up hope.

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2 responses to “Angry Enough

  1. rebflections says:

    God does love you. But yes, being single and not having even a memory of that “one love” on earth is hard to face sometimes.
    I laughed today, when I literally said out loud “I’m so lonesome I could cry…arooo!”.
    And then my dog barked in his sleep.
    And the Lord then brought a chicken into my yard, which led me to bringing it back to the neighbor I hadn’t yet me, and then had a nice chat, helping socialize me for the day.

    God works in mysterious ways. But I fully understand the “solo” adventure, and yes, at times, it’s just hard.
    But I also know that the Lord provides miracles of conversation, just when needed.
    It’s a cold wintry day, and that silly chicken had been kidnapped by my dog, but…surprisingly, not harmed. So I returned a traumatized, but healthy chicken to it’s owner.
    Now, if I had ignored that little voice that said, go and take it to see if it’s a neighbors chicken, I might have seen it die, and a neighbor would have been upset…for he had seen my dog – who is an escape artist from his tie out, he saw my dog kidnap his chicken.
    I am so glad to have listened to the promptings. Shows that God works in very comically entertaining ways to bring light spots of humor and joy into our lives.
    Single solo is hard, but I am so grateful the Lord steps out of heaven, even in the “form” of a chicken, to say hello. (yes, I know God is not a chicken, but hey, if He can make a mule talk, he can certainly use a chicken to do his work.)

    I hope your day is full of blessings.

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