Girls Night In

the blog for single, over-40 women

Thank You, Jesus

on November 20, 2014
Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/freedigitalimages.net

Image courtesy of Stuart Miles/freedigitalimages.net

Lately, with overwhelming school assignments, post-graduation planning, and the general angst that singleness, indebtedness and transition bring, my emotions have been like a rollercoaster. One day I’m up, feeling as optimistic and joyful as one can feel about the amazing opportunities awaiting me in the future. The next day I’m down, feeling all that the future holds for me is disappointment, loneliness and poverty.

Why these emotional shifts?

I can think of two reasons:

One, I am afraid. I battle with fears from without and fears from within. From without I am regularly hearing stories of people who are achieving big things. This one will be discussing current events on the national news; that one will be delivering a Big Speech before Important People; another one just lost 50 pounds of fat and gained lean muscle mass; someone else has a 4.0 GPA and strong references to include in their applications to PhD programs. They all seem like giants and I seem like a grasshopper.

In addition to all the outward fears, on the inside I have a frenemy. My inner frenemy tells me that I am not smart enough, that I am not Christian enough, that I am not disciplined enough. That Dave Ramsey, the money nazi guru, would disapprove of me. My frenemy tells me that I want too much from life; that I have enough blessings and should just be satisfied already; that I don’t deserve what I desire—who am I that I should get to study in a far and distant land, and pursue a doctorate no less? Who am I that I would dare to preach?

My inner frenemy also really likes to remind me that I don’t have a man.

Which brings me to the other reason that my emotions keep veering back and forth. Secretly, in the quietest recesses of my heart, I’m feeling love feelings for a man that I wish I did not feel.

My logical mind tells me that because my feelings are misplaced (since this man is not on my level in some ways), and because my feelings are inappropriate (since my logical mind has already concluded that aloneness and a life devoted to God are the path to happiness for me), and because my feelings are irrationally leading me to sure and certain heartache, my logical mind has refused to entertain even the possibility of the existence of these feelings.

But feelings cannot be willed away.

When things slowed down for me a bit, and I was able to be still without worry about the long list of things I needed to attend to, I heard my heart whisper feelings of love. And my logical mind heaved a great sigh. A sigh of futility, of resignation and of acceptance. I shouldn’t love him, but I do.

I realized that the answer to all my fears, and the answer to all the silent feelings hidden inside my heart, are the same. Instead of pretending as if I don’t feel like a grasshopper among giants, instead of pretending that I don’t hear the voice of my inner frenemy, instead of pretending that my heart does not feel what it feels, I have to face it all.

But I have difficulty seeing these things, and don’t always have the strength to face them.

Thanks be to God, then, for Jesus.

The whole time I am mindlessly going to watch another movie, or filling my calendar with things that need doing, or going to get something else to eat, Jesus is waiting for me.

When I am still and open to Jesus, His Spirit comes and makes everything clear and makes everything right. He shows me my fear, and tells me to fear not. He then gives me faith to trust Him and to move past my fears. He shows me my heart, and the longing for love inside of it, and tells me how much He loves me. He then gives me the grace to trust His love, and to find satisfaction in Him.

Jesus is there, as often as I need Him, however deep my need, to be my friend, to be my guide, my help, my everything.

In the coming weeks, with all the feelings that the holidays are sure to provoke, I am thankful for the reminder that Jesus is close by, and waiting for me to draw close to Him.

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One response to “Thank You, Jesus

  1. rebflections says:

    I can relate! Thanks for posting.

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