Girls Night In

the blog for single, over-40 women

Here’s Hoping

on September 20, 2014

Lately I have been quiet because I have had nothing to say. Not only have I not been speaking, but in the midst of life’s happenings I have found myself losing track of my deadline to post. I pondered this week what was going on with me and did not have long to wait before finding an answer. My pen is stilled, because my heart is stilled, because my hope has been stilled.

Part of what made my summer the transformative experience that it became, was that I had the opportunity to preach fairly regularly. Preaching ended up being a tool that God used to help me to sift myself out. Just like with writing, you cannot preach from a place of inauthenticity. God walked with me on my journey toward authenticity and truth. The Word working in me became words in me, through me, out of me. Be-ing became preaching.

This role as a preacher ended when I returned to the States. The proclamation of words that had been given and formed and refined through the fires of living and being was over. And much of the vividness and vibrancy of my living and being also seemed to go.

School began, and with it my preaching class, which I anticipated with joy. My joy soon turned to sorrow, though, because words were not coming. When I stilled myself and considered why, I realized that I was hiding from my classmates. I did not trust them enough to be honest with them, and if I could not speak honestly then I could not preach. So I took a huge risk, and shared with my small preaching group the daily cross that I carry. We talked about the woman with the issue of blood. I talked about my issue, desiring to love a man and to be loved in return, for which I am still waiting on Jesus.

The response, from my mostly coupled and married classmates, was generally : “Well, do you need to be married or do you just want to be?”

This response hurt. I did not feel heard. I stopped talking.

When class was over, Liz, a young, married mom of 3 little ones who began seminary when her last (surprise) baby was only weeks old, who brings her kids to school when childcare gets dicey, who preaches about community and being present for one another, came up to me and said when one of us is sitting in a painful place and is feeling no hope, that’s when the church steps in and surrounds the grieving person and hopes for her. Liz is hoping for me.

I didn’t realize how much I needed her hope. Her hope has given me words.

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2 responses to “Here’s Hoping

  1. Carole Brown says:

    Hope is a powerful word, Alease! Hoping with you.

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