Girls Night In

the blog for single, over-40 women

The “C” Word

on July 31, 2014

A few weeks ago I realized that I was living in dishonesty.

During a conversation about a male friend, LW, I began to relay that I needed to end the relationship. Though I did not say so, I am pretty sure that the person that I was conversing with assumed that my relationship with LW is sexual.

Actually, LW lives several States away and the relationship is as platonic as can be, physically. When I said that I needed to pull back, it was because LW and I have become overly entangled emotionally. He opens up to me and shares things that I don’t think he could or would share with anyone else in the world. He tells me how he feels. He talks about the things that hurt him. He shares his hopes and dreams. He connects with me as if I am his significant other. Yet, we both agree that marriage between us is not a possibility.

You see the problem?

The LW situation is worthy of a post of its own, though.

The point here is that it occurred to me, after I had the conversation about LW, that most people that I meet these days probably assume that my dating relationships involve sexual intimacy. It also occurred to me that, for the most part, I allow this assumption to stand. Somehow, I think, it has made me feel like less of a woe-begotten misfit to be perceived as being sexual.

But this is all a lie. The idea that I am somehow less-than or a misfit is not true. The truth is that I am deeply loved and desired. The idea that I am having sex, even on an irregular basis, is also a lie. I’ve been celibate for years and years. Why have I been allowing these false ideas of who I am to take hold?

About two weeks ago, I began saying out loud to people that I am celibate. If a conversation about my dating, or falling in love, has come up, I have mentioned it. It’s been effortless on my part. So effortless, in fact, that it took me a minute to realize that my using the “C” word was something new that was happening.

Probably in another post I will say more about what celibacy means to me. For now, though, it is enough that I have been able to see myself, love myself, and be myself. I’m not gay. I’m not married. I’m not seeing anyone. I am single. And for me that means celibate.

What assumptions are you resisting in your singleness?




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