Girls Night In

the blog for single, over-40 women


on May 1, 2014
Photo courtesy of David    /

Photo courtesy of David Castillo Dominici/

Do you have a secret crush? Do you have someone — an old friend maybe — whom you have been keeping an eye on and wondering if something is going to happen between the two of you? Or if something will resume between the two of you? I am in the midst of just such a crush.

I love the feeling of love, but this kind of crushing is dangerously unhealthy for me. I have been known to harbor crushes for years. And when I say years, I mean like 5-10. Literally a prison sentence. I’m held captive to feelings for a person who is not interested in committing to me in a romantic relationship.

My crushes have been committed to being my friends, but their idea of friendship has felt eerily similar to a relationship. The only difference being that they didn’t want to call our relationship a relationship. I used to rationalize that I would rather have my crushes in my life as “just friends” than not have them in my life at all. And the years would drift by as I silently hoped and waited for one of these friends to have the epiphany that he actually was in love me. Eventually, I realized that this was not the way to go about trying to get married.

A few years back, by the grace of God, I committed to not getting myself into another crush/unrequited love scenario.

Well, sadly, I have.

But, gladly, I’ve at least progressed to the point where my crush is not crushing my love life. Which means that even though I really, really like my crush, since I don’t know what he feels about me (except that he feels like not pursuing me), I am one dating-and-socializing woman. Taking this crush in hand means that I am open to meeting someone who does want to pursue me. It means that if I meet such a man, and I think he has potential, I will eagerly give up this crush (whom I really, really like) and give myself room to really, really like the new man on the scene.

This is not a perfect strategy though.

I find myself wondering if I’m really as open as I say I am and if I’m screening people out too keenly because they are not like my crush. I catch myself sometimes hoping and daydreaming about my crush and me working out. I have to stop myself from replaying in my mind the time we spend together or the conversations we’ve had. Sometimes I find it hard not to hope.

How about you? Do you have crushes? How do you manage them?


4 responses to “Crushed

  1. Carole Brown says:

    Well said. We humans to tend to hang onto (fix upon) our ideas of what should be. A good reminder-post to let go.

    • aleaseb says:

      Let go!!!! I think that’s those are some if the best words in the Christian vocabulary! I should post them on my mirror and remind myself everyday to let go! I might actually write a post on this. You’ve inspired me Carole! :-). Thanks!

  2. I have to say, a totally relatable post for me. Everything I read felt so famiiiar! I have never had a boyfriend and pretty much lived off of crushes until latching onto the next one. Currently and for the first time ever, I think my crush is my friend and I’m trying to move us past the friendzone into something with some possibility to it. In the past I’ve never felt there was a real possibility of anything happening. So this is exciting and new and I’m really afraid it might get screwed up. But I feel like I don’t want to be that person who hangs on and waits for something that will never come. I’ve been that person for so long now, I’m ready for a change.

    • aleaseb says:

      Wow, that IS exciting! To have a man not just as a distant crush but actually in your life as a friend. I hope things keep progressing for you!! Thanks for the comment!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: