Girls Night In

the blog for single, over-40 women

Are We Still Doing It Like This?

on April 10, 2014
Image courtesy of atibodyphoto/

Image courtesy of atibodyphoto/

Last week I wrote about how dating a particular man, and sharing a passionate kiss with him, caused my body to awaken from its long winter. Things did not work out between this man and me, however. He was a Christian, but it turned out that he and I did not have the same ideas about what it meant to make Jesus Lord of our lives. A big part of our disagreement had to do with physical intimacy.

One of the things that happens when you are dating and beyond a certain age and maturity level (ha!), is that you meet men in the dating pool who have experience. Many are divorced with children. Some have been divorced more than once. Some are open to having more children, some are not. Some are eager to remarry, some are hesitant. Some are satisfied with their careers and lifestyles, some are still working hard to get to satisfaction.

What I have noticed about many, many of these men, however, is that they tend to have expectations sexually. And this has been the most troublesome aspect of dating for me by far.

In my imaginary world of rainbows and lollipops and furry bunny rabbits that sing along with me as I meander through meadows in the sunshine, I think that I will meet a nice, tall, Christian man who will ask me out on a date, and then, over the course of the following weeks or months, proceed to talk to me, take me out, and generally get to know me. During this time we will hold hands, kiss, and maybe a little more, but not much. Then, presuming both our likings are increasing, he will eventually make a declaration of love to me, propose, and we will get married and thereafter enjoy a dynamic life filled with good music, good food and good sex.

This view of life is not really realistic, Im finding. Its not that life doesnt ever work out like this for women over 40 — it most certainly does for some — but its not common by any means. Most men whom I have dated, or considered dating, who are over a certain age and who are Christian, want to have sex sooner rather than later. So my dating strategy of going slow, of getting to know the person and trying not to unleash passion unnecessarily, can be very difficult for many men to deal with. And trying to manage dating a man who wants to move toward the bedroom at an accelerated pace can be very difficult for me to deal with.

So what ends up happening is that I go through cycles of dating. When I have sufficient fortitude and hope to get out there and date, I do. But then something will happen, or a long series of nothing will happen, and I will get worn out and take a break from the hassle of it all. Until the cycle begins all over again.

I know women over a certain age who felt as I do about not rushing into a sexual relationship with a man and who met men who felt the same way. These women ultimately married these men. These women are why I continue to hope.

In the Song of Songs, Solomon says the following not once, not twice, but three times:

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
    by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
    until it so desires (2:7, 3:5 & 8:4).

Now you tell me. Am I being hopelessly old fashioned or prudish or evangelically zealous … or is going slow in a new relationship a reasonable way of managing one’s sexuality — even when one is over 40?


4 responses to “Are We Still Doing It Like This?

  1. sharynkopf says:

    Thank you for your openness & honesty, Leasey. If you’re old-fashioned & prudish, well, then, so am I! But I believe God sets the standards for my life, not me. Now if I can just be strong enough – by His grace – to stand by them!

  2. Carole Brown says:

    Sigh; I don’t think you’re old fashioned. You just know what you want & won’t settle for less. Good for you!

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